Friday, May 7, 2010

On Going Back To Work

...Which I am not planning on doing - yet.

When we were trying to get pregnant with Levi we had it all worked out: Jonathan would work, I would not, and we would live off of his paycheck, leaving our savings alone. And that works fine, It's worked well for the past twelve months in fact. But I'm starting to get that itch...

What itch? well, certainly not the itch to go back to work of my own volition. No, I'd much rather be at home with my growing boy. The itch I have is the itch built on guilt. I'll explain.

I'm somewhat of a depression era boyscout at heart. you know the type. "don't throw that out, I might use it some day", "Don't break down/recycle those boxes, we may need them if we have to move", "Save that foil, it hardly got dirty. Re-use it!", "Cut the mold off. It's fine", "don't give that used toilet seat extension to goodwill, i'm SURE I can sell it on craigslist" (a true story for another time). I'll do anything to save a buck; anything to potentially lengthen the amount of time I can stay at home guilt-free. But therein lies the problem.

Recently, I'd say within the past 6 months, all my friends with similarly-aged babes have either interviewed for, or taken on part time or full time jobs. Why? well, I imagine for one of two reasons (likely both): to make money necessary to pay off bills or debt, or to get some interaction with adults and other individuals who make sounds other than goo, ga, da, and ba. And here I sit. And I have to admit, I feel not only a little lazy, but a little socially deprived.

The itch I have, I guess, is an itch to appear and feel like I'm doing more. Silly isn't it. I'm busy from sun up to sun down with an infant, plus a house and gobs of other priorities. But the guilt inside me says "if you sit on your lazy butt, you will inevitably come to a point where you eat up that savings account and you'll be FORCED to go back to work - so get with the program and do what your friends are already doing.

Then another guilty part of me, that part which seeks adult interaction, reminds me how much more I'd get in a traditional workplace. That guilt, when brushed off, is quickly replaced by the insurmountable guilt I would undoubtedly feel if I left my firstborn with a daycare provider in order to fulfill my selfish need for adult interaction and my greed for money we are not currently in desperate need of (but who knows, we MIGHT be soon, and that WORRIES me!)

Now see what you've done? You've got me monologing again.

To summarize (for myself more than anyone else) I want to stay at home full time. I am worried that something might happen that would force me to go back to work for financial reasons, although that hasn't happened yet. I feel like if I just did what all my friends were doing now, I could avoid that. In truth, I really just want to control my own little world and make sure nothing catches me by surprise.

And then a voice comes from deep within reminding me that God has said he will provide. And who am I to question that provision, especially in light of the blessed situation into which God has currently placed us? Who am I.


Rae said...

We have discussed this recently, and I just want to remind you. I am jealous of you. I want a day where I can wake up and literally ONLY worry about my family and have no other obligation. It sounds like heaven. The one you're living in.

shhyouaretired said...

If you go back to work and let some daycare raise that baby I'll come over there and whip your little behind!