Saturday, June 20, 2009

playing the waiting game

Blood work came back Friday - well, half of it did anyway. Apparently there is a slight chance that my thyroid is acting up, but I emphasize, that is a slight chance. If my milk troubles aren't caused by my thyroid then we're at a complete loss for understanding why in the world this is all happening. I'm kind of numb to it now though. I want to make sure my little guy gets fed, that's really my bottom line. At this point I'm not sure I care so much how he gets fed. That said, I've discovered that my entire "need" to breastfeed him is almost as much for me as it is for him. Yes, I want him to have the "best", but I also want the experience, the bonding, the satisfaction, and the pride.

Pride. doesn't it all come down to pride in the end. I was talking to my little man sometime around 4:00 this morning over a nice early meal of milk from my dear friend Dani (gosh, I should tell her she's made it into my blog shouldn't I?) and this verse came to mind: "Micah 6:8 And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to lover mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". Humbly huh? what God - do you expect me to give up some of my deepest desires for your glory - do you expect me to walk humbly with you when I haven't a CLUE why you're headed in a given direction? I have a very good feeling the answer is yes.

I am aware that I am in need of some perspective about this whole issue. I'm grateful for those few who have "been here" and have recently shared their stories of grieving and guilt with me. I am grieving. Does that sound odd? I never imagined I would feel like this because, after all, this whole thing is about feeding the child right? incredibly, as I said before, it really is important to me that I"m able to do it, as it is important to me that he can benefit from it. Stemming from a bit of selfish pride, I have no doubt there are a few things for me to learn here.

For now, I need to let this go. Eventually of course I'll need to decide how feeding this little guy will work. Not just how he'll get nourished (that's rather easy, actually), but how that will fit in with my sanity. I do have to be able to leave the house after all. I figure within the next week or so we'll have it ironed out, although I'm not sure at all how it will look yet.

In other news Jonathan is in the car right now headed for Omaha to pick up my dad and Mimi who are waiting at the airport there. Their connecting flight from Denver to Lincoln was canceled last night so they spent an unexpected night in Colorado. They'll be with us for a week, admiring their grandson and hopefully getting us some much needed rest. I'll be sure to post pleanty of pictures from their visit.

Our little man is chunking up beautifully as you'll see below. I'm not eager for him to grow out of his wrinkly newborn skin, but it's wonderful to know he's putting on a healthy amount of weight .

Oh, and yes ineed, that is a lovely cloth diaper isn't it? I have a load of them the was at this very second actually. Newborn prefolds are great for a variety of uses not the least of which is acting as changing pad covers when all of ours have been pooped or peed on (ahem, daily)

- Melissa

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