Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Past exhaustion

My little 10.5lb boy - today I am exhausted.
I am not just tired (although that could be said for both your father and I), I am exhausted from the heart out. I yearn to see you happy for a time, smiling and cooing in your awake time. I long to be able to see you happily playing with me. But for now your tears, your inconsolable cries, rule my very world. They shake me to my core. I'm so tired baby boy.

I am embarrassed to say that I am rarely at peace these days unless you are sleeping. I feel like I can't feed you enough to fill you up and it tears me apart inside. Baby boy, we've tried it all and I'm just so tired. I want so badly to take you out, to show you off, to have others ooh and ahh over you. I want to go places and do things with you - fun things. But baby boy you just won't have it.

Why does this make me so tired little one? Because my dear, your mommy's inmost being longs to provide for your daddy, longs to give to others, longs to be social and interact. With the many feeding issues we still face (and my self-imposed desire to continue trying to breastfeed you) it is not common these days that we leave our little living room. The solitude is tearing this mama apart.

Oh baby boy, I know this is supposed to be such a joyful time, but I'm struggling so deeply to enjoy it. I wanted this to be so different. We were going to be such a pair - you and I. In my minds eye you were going to be a quiet, cooing, smiling baby boy that everyone longed to hold and cuddle. If only I knew what caused you to be so upset I would fix it in a hearbeat my son, in a heartbeat - for your sanity and my own.

I so wish feeding you wasn't so much of a struggle. I would love nothing more than to provide as much milk as you need and forget all of our bottles and syringes, and tubing; all those things that get you frustrated and confused as I switch from one method to another. I would love to feel that, more often than not, you are eating until you are truly satisfied. My Levi, how I love you, how I want for you the joy that I too desire.

Lord, give us the strength to face another evening, another night together. Give me an even keel and an attitude worthy of the gift you've blessed me with. I'm so tired of all our tears. I'm ready - so ready - for the joy I know you have waiting just barely outside my reach; Joy that my guilt and frustration keep me from. Oh how I want that Joy.


Erin McPhee said...

Sweet Melissa, you are eloquent and amazing and I love you. I wish I could come over and give you a few hours of sleep and a break from the tears. I am so sorry that this part is so very difficult. I can't fix that ... all I can tell you is that there will be an end to this ... it'll seem like forever ... but this too shall pass, and you will look back one day amazed at how things have changed, at how you survived this part. And don't be afraid to ask for help ...
You are an amazing mommy and a wonderful woman and I am so proud of you ... just remember, things will get better after the first 3 months ...

miL. said...

I wish I could say I know exactly how you feel. I wish I could give some advice or other comforting words. I feel like I have nothing to give you to make you feel better. I just hope you know how much you are loved and prayed for. By people you would never expect and may not even know. I hope you find comfort today. I pray that you can have the eyes to see comfort where it is. I love you...I love you...I love you. You are amazing. Just by yourself. Amazing.