playing the waiting game

Blood work came back Friday - well, half of it did anyway. Apparently there is a slight chance that my thyroid is acting up, but I emphasize, that is a slight chance. If my milk troubles aren't caused by my thyroid then we're at a complete loss for understanding why in the world this is all happening. I'm kind of numb to it now though. I want to make sure my little guy gets fed, that's really my bottom line. At this point I'm not sure I care so much how he gets fed. That said, I've discovered that my entire "need" to breastfeed him is almost as much for me as it is for him. Yes, I want him to have the "best", but I also want the experience, the bonding, the satisfaction, and the pride.

Pride. doesn't it all come down to pride in the end. I was talking to my little man sometime around 4:00 this morning over a nice early meal of milk from my dear friend Dani (gosh, I should tell her she's made it into my blog shouldn't I?) and this verse came to mind: "Micah 6:8 And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to lover mercy, and to walk humbly with your God". Humbly huh? what God - do you expect me to give up some of my deepest desires for your glory - do you expect me to walk humbly with you when I haven't a CLUE why you're headed in a given direction? I have a very good feeling the answer is yes.

I am aware that I am in need of some perspective about this whole issue. I'm grateful for those few who have "been here" and have recently shared their stories of grieving and guilt with me. I am grieving. Does that sound odd? I never imagined I would feel like this because, after all, this whole thing is about feeding the child right? incredibly, as I said before, it really is important to me that I"m able to do it, as it is important to me that he can benefit from it. Stemming from a bit of selfish pride, I have no doubt there are a few things for me to learn here.

For now, I need to let this go. Eventually of course I'll need to decide how feeding this little guy will work. Not just how he'll get nourished (that's rather easy, actually), but how that will fit in with my sanity. I do have to be able to leave the house after all. I figure within the next week or so we'll have it ironed out, although I'm not sure at all how it will look yet.

In other news Jonathan is in the car right now headed for Omaha to pick up my dad and Mimi who are waiting at the airport there. Their connecting flight from Denver to Lincoln was canceled last night so they spent an unexpected night in Colorado. They'll be with us for a week, admiring their grandson and hopefully getting us some much needed rest. I'll be sure to post pleanty of pictures from their visit.

Our little man is chunking up beautifully as you'll see below. I'm not eager for him to grow out of his wrinkly newborn skin, but it's wonderful to know he's putting on a healthy amount of weight .

Oh, and yes ineed, that is a lovely cloth diaper isn't it? I have a load of them the was at this very second actually. Newborn prefolds are great for a variety of uses not the least of which is acting as changing pad covers when all of ours have been pooped or peed on (ahem, daily)

- Melissa

The mystery of the missing milk

Remember when I said I regreted having looked down upon the decisions of other mothers? decisions such as whether or not to breastfeed for example... well, lets just say my perspective is completely different than it ever has been because of the place I currently find myself. In past years I would have looked upon a bottle feeding mommy with a bit of distain. Why, WHY would a mother choose to bottlefeed her child when she obviously has two breasts? I mean, naturally, she should breastfeed that child to give it the best start possible right? Well, come to find out, it isn't always that cut and dry.

Yesterday Little Levi and I went to see a doctor. This doctor, a special kind of MD, focuses on lactation and milk removal (i.e. my ability to make it and his ability to take it out of me, because the two processes are intimately related) What we discovered is, not only is Levi's suck quite disorganized (he has trouble with even the easiest of bottles), but my ability to make milk is what they call "marginal". I make about half of what he needs. So today, Levi in tow, I went to a lab to have four blood tests. One specifically will look at how much "prolactin" (milk making hormone) I make, while another identifies if i may have a thyroid problem. It is unlikely that, at this point, any of these issues could be fixed enough that I could achieve my "dream" of giving my son 100% breastmilk from his mommy, but at this point we're just trying to figure out what could be going wrong.

In the mean time I have to admit it's quite a struggle to feed this little guy. Each feeding is a one hour affair with a 1-2 hour break afterwards. We start with breastfeeding, 10 minutes on each side. I'm drained before that 10 minutes is up (which frustrates me to no end, every time). Then we shift to the bottle which usually holds liquid gold from my dear friend Dani. Sometimes I have some pumpped milk from myself that I'll give him first. Initially he'll suck vigerously and then, like a light switch, he'll become very discorganized and appear as though he doesn't know how to suck on the bottle at all. The This part lasts about 20 -30 minutes, either until he is zonked out, or until I simply cannot get any more food into him. Why don't I stop feeding him when he becomes discorganized and won't suck? well, because it isn't as though he isn't hungry. He is. I know he is because when I remove that bottle, however disorganized he is, he continues to root around and cry. Besides that, even if he isn't hungry the more we can get into him the faster he'll grow and there is a good body of evidence to prove that the bigger and stronger he is, the faster his suck and ability to get milk will improve - this is our primary goal.

So Here I am for another day. My life really does revolve around feedings. I'm dissapointed, I really wanted things to be different - I really wanted to ENJOY this precious time more and not be quite so irritable. I don't know what God is trying to teach me through all of this but my friend Dani may have put it best when she suggested that this whole experience may be occuring so that I can be of support to someone else down the road. We'll see I guess, but for now it really does suck (no pun intended - there is very little sucking going on)

I'll post a couple new shots when I get a chance later on. The camera must be in the office and I'm firmly planted in the livingroom trying to make sure Levi doesn't lose that Paci that's keeping him calm in his bouncy seat. I was just SURE I was going to teach my son how to "self soothe" but until I figure out just how that's done (suggestions??) I'll stick with what I know will buy me a fey precious moments.
-Melissap.s. Did I mention our little one HATED baths for his first 3 weeks? Well, thanks to a friend, we found out that if we keep a recieving blanket on him in the tub (or sink, in our case) he does MUCH better. He slept through his entire bath last night. I smell progress!

Getting Stuck

I never thought I'd be the type of mother who couldn't watch her children get immunized but, alas, I am "that mother". That mother who must turn away and bite her lip as the nurse puts that tiny needle in her son's thigh. That tiny needle which should, theoretically, protect him from Hepetitis B and other nasty diseases. Why can't I watch? Oh, that one's easy. My son, my offspring, is in pain. Yeah, I'm a softy I know. You see this is the same woman who, while pregnant, swore she would allow her baby to "cry it out" in order to teach him to self soothe, yet now she melts into a bucket of tears when he wails. It's funny how different your viewpoint becomes when the little defensless individual counts on YOU for nearly everything.

Which leads me to another realization I've had recently. In past years I've admittedly been rather hard on other mothers. No, not out loud, not to their faces - but in my own mind I've been both condescending and judgemental. Why would they choose to do A or B when C is obviously the best choice? In the past three weeks I've begun grieving over those past feelings, and truly understanding how difficult dicesion making is when it comes to your kids. Issues such as circumcision, vaccination, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cloth-diapering, baby-food making, scheduling, breastfeeding and formula feeding become personal decisions. Decisions about these issues quickly shape your parental identity and can bring feelings of guilt and shame when the people closest to you dissagree. Knowing what I know now I am certain I will think twice before I dismiss the careful decision of another mother - it's a lot harder than it looks to decide what's best for your family and your child.

Speaking of cloth diapering, our little man has been in cloth for nearly two weeks now. I wish I had a picture of his cute little cloth covered butt, however the camera rarely makes it into the nursery. Soon enough, soon enough. For our family cloth is working relatively well. Right now we're just using plain old pre-fold diapers with fasteners and plastic velcroable covers. Yeah, he has a pretty puffy butt, and yes, it's more effort to both diaper him and wash his diapers, but we like the concept. He's so little still that he doesn't fit into any of what Jonathan calls his "space diapers' (the bum benious and the fuzzybunz), but that will come in time. We haven't had any leaks or blowouts and, even though we've bought a few packages of disposables for outings etc. I'm sure we've saved some major dough. I'll keep you posted on how this works out as he grows and gets ready to dirty a LOT more diapers.

Little man is sleeping in his carset in fromt of me. It's funny how much is face has changed in just a week. Well, he has gained 14oz in the past four days, so I guess it's believeable that he's a bit chunkier, but I guess I didn't think it could happen so fast. The picture of the day is one of Levi with Daddy last night on the couch. Enjoy, and stay in touch!

To my 8lb boy

My little Levi -
well, you aren't so little anymore I guess. You were born at 7 and a half pounds and today, after dipping to nearly 6lb 13oz, you're at a full 8 pounds. Wow.
I should preface that by first acknowledging that we've worked VERY hard to get you there. Yes, mommy and daddy have been burning the midnight oil to fatten you up. You see, little Levi, you were born with a very poor suck. Since your suck stimulates my milk production (and, as I've noted, you suck quite poorly) I have very little milk. Needless to say this has been a HUGE anxiety producer for your mommy. I have been at milkworks (our local lactation consultant clinic) nearly every day weighing you between nursings. It has been a TON of work. We've also been "triple feeding" you. Do you know what that is? Well, first I breastfeed you for 10 minutes on each side. (probably my favorite part of the whole gig, even though it HURTS due to that poor suck and poor latch of yours), then I give you another 1-2 ounces of formula or breastmilk by bottle or by syringe - whichever you'll take. IF you settle down at that point I hook myself up to the milking machine (aka the hospital grade pump I've been renting weekly) and extract what little I can from myself to give you at your next feeding. It's utterly exhausting (no pun intended). But Levi, we'll do anything for you little buddy.

Your Daddy has been intimately involved with this whole process. He's up with us each night even though he has to go to work each day. I don't know where we'd be right now without the love and support of your daddy. What a blessing he is to us - I think you'll agree.

Mommy has been so frustrated lately and most of that has revolved around your inability to nurse. Why is it that so many women think this comes naturally? It really truely doesn't. Only a week ago we were struggling to get you enough to eat (because I certainly wasn't producing enough) when along came a blessing from the Lord. My dear friend Dani, who has a 4 month old of her own, has offered to share her milk with you! So now, you get everything I can make for you, plus some of hers as well. Ever since she came last Wednesday you have been a MUCH happier camper. You sleep better, you have happy awake time, you are much more of a joy to be around. Praise God for answering our prayers for you to have a full tummy - even though it wasn't the answer I expected.

Yes indeed, your little frame is filling out quickly. You are still sleeping in the bassenet in our room and we love to hear you snore at night. Why? well, it reminds your mommy that you're there & breathing. She's a worry wart you know. Oh Levi, how we love you. I'll write to you as often as you'll sleep here in the sling & let me type. Now though you're waking & it's time to eat. Suck it down my little angel, we'll get better at this together!

Our precious bundle arrived on 5-28-00 at 10:59pm, just one day late. Head to my facebook page for more pictures!= Melissa

The Rumors are True

Yes, our due date actually is tomorrow.

This ominous "May 27th" that has loomed in our distance since early September has finally arrived. And yet - no baby. He is still quite happy inside, growing at an alarming rate, and evidently unaware of what he's missing in the outside world. Wait, who am I kidding, the kid has constant access to warmth, food, and attention. Who would give that up?

But, I digress. I'm sure you are wondering when the big day will be and, believe me, so are we. For the past four weeks (yes, FOUR weeks, and I'm not even due yet) I've had the most unlikely of people ask me (to my face) "so, have you had that baby yet?" to which I would generally like to respond "does it look like it?". Other frequent and similarly stupid questions have included "when are you going to have that baby?" and "How far is your cervix dialated?" (a note about that last question: My midwife doesn't check my cervix. Why? because it's a completely irrelevent measure of progress until one is actually in active labor. One woman could walk around three centimeters dialated for 3 weeks while another could be zero centimeters dialated one day and have her baby the next - on a totally seperate note, our co-workers really souldn't be asking us how far dialated I am, I think it's a rather innappropriate question for them to ask. Then again, I'm very pregnant, uncomfortable, and SICK of people reminding me of those two things, so maybe this is my over-sensitivity speaking. You can't blame me, can you?)

But, I dirgress (wait, didn't I already do that?). If you happen to know a woman who is pregnant, regardless of how far along she is, let me give you the following tip. No matter how tempting it may be, please kindly resist the urge to remind her that she's "getting close!" or that it could happen "any day now!" because the reality of it all is that a due date is really just an estimate -it is not a gold standard. Let me remind you that the baby doesn't know a single thing about a calendar, or about time, and he certainly has no idea what a due date is. No, a due date means very little as only 5% of babies actually arrive on them (90% arrive within 7 days of their duedate, on either side, while the remaining 5% arrive well before or well after)

Take home message: I have no say in when this baby arrives. I am more anxious than you are to have him out, BELIEVE ME! So, if you find yourself just dying to know if we've made any "progress", rest assured, be it by blog, e-mail, phone, or facebook, you will be aprised of the details eventually and if we can be patient, so can you.

I welcome your encouragement, but I really need you to help me let the due-date anxiety go by focusing on other things for the time being. Thank you for your support!

A post from dad

Hello Everyone,

My wife has done a wonderful job keeping you all up to date on the goings on with us over here in Nebraska. She is such a good writer. With the impending birth of our little one growing ever closer I thought this would be a good time to give you a sense of how Dad is doing.

It has been a wild and fun ride, though challenging. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of our midwife appointments and childbirth classes. I love the ultrasound images and the heart beats on the Doppler. I am learning a lot as a new parent already, mostly that I still have a lot to learn. It is a gradual process, one that I am thankful to be blessed with.

The big moment for me thus far was finding out we were having a boy! That certainly cemented the concept for me. As my wife began to expand (I think she is absolutely gorgeous) our little guy began to take on a personality all his own. We are head over heels and we haven’t even met him face to face.

That will be a scary and wonderful day. I am reminded of something that my dad said to me recently, something he remembers from seeing me for the first time. As I was minutes old, he was minutes old as a father. There is no instruction book that comes individualized for each child. We learn together.

Dad and Levi have “tummy time” (when Dad puts his hand on Mom’s belly to feel Levi’s acrobatics). He tends to quiet down when Dad is around, whatever that means, but I absolutely love to feel him move. I talk to him often and he definitely responds to my voice or the vibrations anyhow. I think it is because it is deeper than Mom’s, which is with him all day.
We enjoy sharing this experience with those around us who are interested.

We (our life group from Church plus Jared & the Gipe family) surprised Melissa with a baby shower a few weeks ago. Everyone played their parts well and we totally got her. You should have seen the look on her face…priceless. (the picture below is us trying to cloth-diaper a stuffed bear - only using one hand each)

It isn’t often that you can pull one over on her, the little stinker. Her intuition is too sharp, or she is just nosey, I can’t say which – I’ll get in trouble :o) If she hadn’t been pregnant, there would have been no hope. It definitely leveled the playing field.

Our “babymoon” (visit to a local bed and breakfast) was wonderful. Mom and Dad are certainly enjoying spending time together before their little one joins the fray.

The new “space diapers” will be interesting. My my…have we come a long way from squares of cloth and diaper pins or what? I’m totally on board.

Rumor has it that the decision making continues for at least the next 20 years of this little guy’s life. It is good exercise for spousal communication that is for sure. Thank you all for your support and for sharing in this journey with us.

Until next time – Praise be to God,
Jonathan